Adjustments and Adulting

Things are finally pretty calm here after the horrible move and all the drama that ensued during it.  Our temporary house is as furnished and put together as well as can be expected.  Our physical space has been  downsized quite a bit and we're still finding this home quite a bit smaller than what we'd like.  Don't get me wrong, I love the cathedral ceilings and sunken living room, but the kitchen is a lot smaller than I'm used to and the husby feels a tad bit claustrophobic in his office.  So, after a productive conversation this evening, we've made a new list of needs for the (new) semi-permanent house that we will soon start actively looking for.  And our dream list??  Here:

• Three bedrooms (four if we don't have a separate family room (we want a dedicated guest bedroom).
• Two baths (an additional half-bath would be desirable, but not necessary).
• Larger kitchen (I'd like to have an island or a bar for guests to sit at).
• Hardwoods or laminate throughout (we're willing to rip out carpets and install new flooring).
• New tile for the bathroom (I'm eyeing some slate...  delicious!!).
• Soaking tub/garden tub for moi.
• Full paint job - using some of the colors I love (husby agreed).
• Garage.
• Screened in attached porch (AKA "Florida Room").
• Living closer to the beach.

I think I found an excellent realtor and our budget is pretty large (I'm still pushing for the in-ground pool, though - just because I'd love to have one) - so I'm sure we'll have a lot to choose from.  Besides, compared to New Orleans, property here is seriously cheap.  

Husby's schedule is crazy...  he's gone for two weeks in June, comes home for two days, then does his week-long reserve duty in Missouri.  He'll have two weeks home and then we fly up to DC for a four day weekend (one of my favorite nieces is getting married.... squeeeeeeee!!).  After that, two weeks at home and then B heads out again for another three weeks.  Anyone have any non-crafty hobby suggestions???  Derby season will be pretty much wrapping up after that, so I need to find something to occupy some of my free time!!!

I am planning on having company come in from Massachusetts, California, and Louisiana while B is away (importing friends again... 10 shades of North Carolina - ugh) - but if you want to visit, shoot me a PM if we're friends on FB or email me at findingjuggsy[at]gmail.com.  I love to entertain!!!  :0))  I promise I'm not "dangerous" or anything... hahahahaha!!

Sleepy. Decisions.

I'm tired.  As in sleepy.  :D  This is a good thing.  I think I'll take a hint from the dog and just go back to bed.  I've had too much on my mind this morning.  Nothing major... I just feel like I'm being cluttered by words.  And I have no desire to listen to any more words.  Silence for a little while is perfectly fine.  As am I.

Sometimes words are not the answer.  Behavior can be more indicative.  Chog can't speak, but I certainly understand her. 

When I get up from my nap, I'm going to make a list of pros and cons.  Once I see what I've written [decluttered], I'll make my decision.  Calmly and decisively.  I'm in a good place right now to do what may need to be done. 

Now... off to nap.

Gaps. Reset.

I'm back.  I've re-opened my blog to the (probably very, very, very small) public who may read this... and if you were a regular reader, you'll probably notice some very big gaps between dates.

Those posts have been reverted back to drafts.  I'm keeping them (for my own personal journal) and to remind me of certain things.  So, apologies if you're missing those entries.  They simply evoked very negative feelings and that's not what I want to look at.  This is supposed to be about me - nothing more and nothing less.

So, I'm going to reset myself.  Oh, yes, I am.  And guess what??  It started this very morning.  There was a jabby little post (which could've made me feel downright stabbity) and I just looked at it, did a mental shrug, and didn't even bother.  Then, I talked to a friend, packed up my gear, went to the gym, and then over to the beach.  While there, the dark storm clouds moved in and I simply got up and went to the car.  Finished my errands (post office, bank, store, get the Vee-Dubs some gas) and now I'm home. 

From now on, I'm staying away from the storms.  I'll watch them from a distance, but that will be it. 

Not to say that there won't be some sort of rant from time to time.  But I've got a ton of stuff on my list that I'd like to do - and being in abject misery isn't going to make any of that happen.  So piss off, negativity. 

Mellowing In Progress.

I'm quite sure that I'm moving towards a far happier existence.  Today is the day that all of the boxes have been EMPTIED!!!!  Art once again decorates the walls.  I can see the top of my desk!!!  Went and spent some money on some little things for the house.  New lamps, some comfy throws, and pillows.  I'm hoping to have everything done (house-wise) and have my initial insurance claim paperwork filled out before I leave tomorrow.

Unfortunately, the road trip I'm taking tomorrow isn't for pleasure.  It's to deal with a tenant, find a decent property management company, and deal with contractors (in order to fix any issues the tenants may have left).  I'm quite sure that I'm going to have to replace carpet in three bedrooms, get a commercial cleaning crew in there, and paint some (if not all) of the rooms.  Luckily, the property management companies that I'm looking at all have realtors - so if a tenant wants to buy the house after living in it, we will apply some of the rent toward the down payment.  I'm just not really wanting to do this - but it's better to get it over with and move along.

There are still some unresolved issues that have been circling around in this putrid little brain of mine.  I can't leave it hanging forever - even though part of me is still uneasy with certain aspects of behavior exhibited.  Some of it I believe is par for the course and that I should accept it for what it is - the other more cynical part believes that I could get burned.  Maybe 10 hours on the road will help me come to a decision.  For a good portion of this year, I didn't even feel like I was dealing with the same person.

As for me??  I'm getting back to myself.  Then again, as I told everyone who would pay attention and listen... moving makes me fucking crazy.  I was sure to warn people when I was in a bad mood and the only time I think that writing context can be misconstrued is when the person writing the note, message, email, PM, or IM deliberately makes it so.  This, I've learned first hand. 

Now, it's neither here nor there.  I'm not stressing out about anything this afternoon - I have a ton of errands to run and then I'm going to figure out dinner.  Rotisserie chicken and salad will probably be on the menu.  As long as I get all the chicken skin, I'm good. 

Smoke Alarm. Unpacking. Other Stuff.

Well, I can now say for certain that our smoke alarms work in our temporary house.  I almost had a damned heart attack when it woke me out of a deep sleep around 8 AM.  No doubt in my mind, that fucker could've woken up the dead.  So, mad scramble to find the step stool, unplug the thing, and pull out the battery - and during this time, the dog is going crazy.  Glad to know that she's on board if we have to evacuate a burning house!!  Hahahahaha!!

The days have been rolling by.  I keep losing track of the day and date, but that's okay.  I still have a lot to do to finish up this house, but I have enough unpacked and stacked in order to make (at least) the main living areas comfortable.  My office looks like a bomb went off in there and I'm working on insurance claims for broken items - I want to get that done before I leave to deal with tenants in the Ark-La-Tex during the first two weeks of May.  It's not going to be a pleasure trip and it's definitely not going to be any fun.  I'm dreading it, really. 

For the first time since around the beginning of February, my mind is pretty quiet and I'm generally happy.  I've been going to the beach and taking long walks.  My car is beginning to look like a beach bum owns it... there's sand and a folding chair and flip-flops in it.  When I walk on the wet sand, listening to the waves, and watching the gulls, I figure this is as close to any type of heaven that my atheist ass will ever see.  And then I realize that I'm really, truly okay.  Of course, I still have issues that (sooner or later) I will *have* to resolve - one way or another and I can't stay insular forever, but while I'm there I can lose myself for a while. 

It's weird... I'm no longer angry about some things, but I find myself to be indifferent or simply not caring right now.  I think that being angry and stressed for the better part of almost three months has burned a lot of things into ashes - the question is, do I want to rebuild??  Or should some things simply come to an end?? 

Meatloaf For Breakfast. Holding Pattern.

That's what I had.  Lovely, savory, delicious meatloaf.  I'm also in the process of demolishing a bagel, so we'll just refer to this as "brunch".  Isn't that a lovely concept??  The mixing of two favorite meals. There's no pressure to eat one certain thing.

No pressure.  What a concept.

There are things that I am supposed to be doing right now (in order to facilitate certain other things that will be coming up in the very near near future)... and I am feeling inept and paralyzed.  Drowning in the plethora of crap that I need to go through in order to get organized... I don't know if I should start at one end or the other... or dive right in and begin at the middle.  Any way you look at it, nothing much has been done.  And I wake up every. single. day. thinking that this cleaning-purging-arranging is magically going to happen.

And it doesn't.

Which repeats the cycle of my just sitting here, twiddling my fucking thumbs, waiting for some miracle to walk through the door and tell me what I need to be doing.  ASAP.  But for some reason, I'm lost, I'm paralyzed, I'm having these nasty flashbacks to 2012 (when we moved FIVE times in a mere 11 months) and I know that I can't deal with any of this right now.  I can't even commit to volunteer organizations who rely on me because I have no point of reference.  Great.  I'm unable to even explain why I can't help out right now.

Why, hello Depression!!  So lovely to see you yet again.  ::puke::

And I'm frustrated beyond belief with this "hurry-up-and-wait" bullshit that I'm having to deal with.  IF I had dates.  IF I had a timeline.  IF I had any fucking indicator at all as to WHEN I'll need to arrange for a dog-sitter, WHEN I can sign a lease, WHEN I can give utility notices and DTV notices and cable notices.  An actual address to forward mail to... just something as easy as that.  Nothing.

To add to my *friend* Depression, I would like to invite a couple of other downers to this party... can we have Hopeless, Ineptitude, and No Motivation come in and join us??  I'll be sure to put on some horrible daytime TV like Maury "Who IS my Baby-Daddy" Povitch just for ambiance.  Vodka tonic is the drink of the day AND we have meatloaf for brunch.

Cheers.

Cha-Cha-Changes.

David Bowie was spot-on.

Changes happen.  Oh, fuck, do they happen.  And we all roll with the punches of life, don't we??  Dealing with a mortgage, rent, utilities, work, and extra-curricular activities are absolutes.  If you don't pay your utilities, they will be shut off.  Everyone deals with the same issues and makes a change if necessary.  Don't have enough gas money each month??  Might have to switch priorities - the additional cell phone has to go OR the dining out once a week has to be canceled.  That's something every adult member of society (for the most part) can understand.  But the big question I have is:  why can't we admit to (or even consider) changing our minds???

Thoughts, ideas, theology, politics, hypotheses - these things are not solid.  They are fluid and malleable.  They can all be changed.  It can be a large thing that happens; an agnostic has a near-death experience and decides to find a religion that works... or it can be a small thing; you're given a hand-up and you decide to pay it forward.  Either way, your perspective has changed and you've decided to do something a little differently -regardless as to whether your conscious mind knows it or not.

Then why, oh why do people try and push their religious agenda on their fellow human beings by using the secular legal system?? Why can't we have an open dialogue, listen to the other side, and maybe - just maybe - change our way of thinking??  Or at the minimum, accept that another person CAN have a viewpoint that differs from your own??  Because it's fucking scary, that's why.  We've become a nation that believes "changing our mind" means "flip-flopping" (thanks to political pundits and our sorry educational system, a stunningly large portion of people believe everything that happens on the bullshit box - AKA "television") and that the concept of "flip flopping" is baaaaaaaaaad.  Really??

Confession:  I *am* a "flip-flopper".  Oh, the shame.  The humanity!!

Yes, I am an opinionated person.  Yet, if I'm having an educated (civil) discussion about a topic and find out that I didn't know as much as I thought I did... if I was dead-on wrong about the subject??  I'd end up going home, mull things over, find various articles, read about the subject (preferably from both viewpoints), and will more than likely discuss the topic with other friends.  You know, gain a new perspective and all that shit??  Yep.  And guess what?  It's about a 50-50 chance that I might change my bloody mind.  That's right, Internet.  I said it.

Luckily, I have friends who are very diverse and who are also very accepting of my choices... I am, after all, an out-of-the-closet atheist.  Oh, and a liberal.  And a Massachusetts Yankee (living in the Bible Belt).  And a hedonist (by nature).  And I'm also child-free-by-choice.  I don't hide what I am.

So... do you feel like getting together?? Maybe having a couple of cocktails and talking about something interesting??  I'm in - if you are.

Rational dialogue for the win.