A WTF Funk.

I am in a funk.  There's no reason for me to feel like this.  You know, first-world problems and all that happy horse shit.  But my brain doesn't ever just shut down - not even enough to get a good night's sleep without medication.  I'm not OCD or ADD or ADHD.  I haven't been diagnosed with any weird mental disease.  I'm not Off My Rocker.  My body simply doesn't provide enough of the chemicals that I need in order to relax or simply zone out and quit thinking.  

Which can be Very Frustrating at times.  Tonight happens to be one of Those Times.  

Sometimes I think in a constant loop.  Just like that shitty movie "Groundhog Day" (fuck, I hated that movie with a passion - it made me want to throat-punch Bill Murray) - the same thoughts keep happening over and over without any change.  Or I tend to look back and think of the mistakes I've made or certain choices I've made and I want things to be different.  Then it bothers me because I feel like I'm trying to lose myself or change an intrinsic part of my personality.  Other things make me angry and frustrated and I don't know how to fix them - or even if I want them to be fixed (which usually has a lot to do with my family).  Speaking of family...

I wonder if anyone in my immediate family ever thinks about me or just how broken we all are.  Somehow, I doubt it.  Dysfunction has turned into normal and it's accepted and I am the same as I've always been; an outlier.  How is it that I've felt this way for most of my life???  Despite the soul-searching and positive reinforcement given to me regarding certain choices that I've made, I still feel like I've fucked up or am utterly lacking in so many areas.

Why can't I just take a pill and assimilate into pop culture and be a vapid little lollipop girl???  It would be so. very. easy.  To never think about politics or religion or social issues.  To not-care about basic human rights.  To ditty-bop along and not worry about whether or not I'll have reproductive rights or even the ability to choose if I'd like to keep a pregnancy or not.  Why can't my whole life revolve around getting the newest Chanel perfume, Jimmy Choos, or wearing the latest haute couture???  Sometimes I envy those type of people.  They never seem to think.

Yet, I can't stop thinking.  WTF??